Sweetness came in in the form of a Flake, some fudge, a donut and a dank, old cupboard in a hospital. Actually, scatch that last one…

Boil the billy furra cuppa mayt! AWWWW MAYT! 'Bonza (itsa billy-o-cawfee mayt!)'. Eeevry bugger’s beltin' “Bonza “itsa “bonza 'itsa billy-o-cawfee mayt!'? Cawfee up the wazoo mayt!

I don't know what 'distilled grass' is, but if it were a real thing, it would smell like this - but also haggis.

The database doesn't like umlauts :(

The only nose we recorded was 'not much of a nose', so I guess this didn't have much of a nose. Feel like there was a lack of the typical corny-graininess (in a good way), but can't be 100% sure!

The bottle seemed to be reviewed as enthusiastically as the whisky: OMG, #fail, aggressively sexual, I like it, it looks like a buttplug, looks like champagne or overpriced vodka, I do like the text.

In some kind of mad banana-fuelled rage, he storms out the room, picks up his damp laundry and coffee cake and runs off into the chorizo horizon.

Apple strudel. Superglue. Molten syrup. Ail varnish remover, games workshop's own-branded superglue

It's definitely rubbery but also really sweet (brown sugar), creamy (cream soda, butter) and peppery (er.. pepper). "What do cymbals smell like?" ("cymbolic?" - it's no longer clear how well this joke went down..). In fact, it smells of cymbal cleaner - the drummers in the a...

Something really interesting going on here - a mad mix of spices and old wood. Oniony. Lychees. Something a bit chinese going on. Tom yum soup.

Someone’s on the Grapa instead (there’s always one) - bet you it’s the one smelling the 15-19 year old girls perfume and exclaiming ‘You've got nice cornicing’..... hello!

Pop round to Bill Tong's house for a biscuit (he lives in Pleasantsville) and he'll no doubt give you a peak into his musty old wardrobe. If you ask nicely, he'll even show you his peppery cucumber - a true delight!

Burnt Moss (Stirling's son, conceived after a very sexy race at the Nürburgring, very different to Colin McRae's win at the Nuremberg Rally

'Touch Tackie!' - If I recall correctly, it was the hazy summer of 1996 when Brandy released her worldwide smash, Toffifee & Milo. Well, actually it wasn't, was it? But we did indeed get 'brandy' with those two.

Zimbabwean mint & lamb crisps take us in an unusual direction before we're redirected to herbs and freshly cut grass. Roast pork and yoghurt sounds like a tasty dish, but it's all washed down with evil gingerbread!

One thought it was 'unfun' and that is goes down like a pint of crushed glass. Others were more positive in their review: Smells of arse, but tastes nice. Grape shit. Toxic waste. And some were bordering on glowing in praise: Flippers.

You've been sent to a hospital by the sea with the unfortunate condition of having caramelised your bananas. After the decent run of medical science, it transpired in the late 2020s that actually herbal medicine and alternative therapies were correct, and they swiftly replac...

It depends on how you like your sailors but this one had been out at sea for at least 40 days and was starting to absorb the aromas of the remaining fermenting bananas and gooseberries.

On the finish - a resonance of smoke rings (stolen from another) and a coal shuttle but also a contrasting freshness of fir, caraway, heather and mint. The taste lingers but not as much as you might expect.

Definitely the first whisky that has ever smelled of What I go to School For by Busted.

This had Finn Russell on the finish, which was perhaps it's most interesting feature?

A short-to-medium finish, described by one as, "the length of time between New Zealand winning the 2011 Rugby World cup and their next World Cup win" - 4 years as it turned out. This was then qualified as "in the context of Rugby World Cups, as short as could possibly be" (p...

I have a soft spot for dark wood.

Quite light... "it's not an unpleasant thing to put in your mouth though, right?". [bagpipes are drowning us out...] Phil describes bagpipes as "an audible version of a headache". Ooga booga booga!

"It's unclear whether the latter was simply a reference to the length of nail that the pneumatic drilling would be sensibly combined with, or a clever twist on the the band 9 Inch Nails, and this was in fact suggesting this whisky was like pneumatic drilling on a stage for w...

Cherry lip death and very drunken bananas. Like all the condiments I like: Worcester sauce, Tabasco, ketchup, brown sauce and vinegar. And rinds of various kinds.

Icelandic wood then shifts us towards white wine vinegar and cloves, with basil sitting out there on its herby lonesome (who incidentally sounds like a 50s blues singer)

In a sort of mad festive disaster, the Christmas pudding meets glue and hot tyres on a Formula 1 track, whilst the Quality Street get covered in coffee cream and lavender.

Cherryish and raisiny - strangely our convictions seem to be deserting us as we consume more alcohol, the opposite of normal. Talking of 'deserting', we also got bread and butter pudding..

More creaminess. Shortbread. Oh yes, a classic HP. Subtle background of fruit. Exotic fruits! MANGO! PASSIONFRUIT! A bit sickly. Agree with passion fruit but killed by cream.

Oranges, orange rind, pith..."What a pithy comment" - Phil (no one laughs). "Says a guy who chases his whisky with milk" - Christina (people laugh). "Another pithy comment!" - Ali L (reaction unrecorded).

Everything from raisin sawdust to Burgundy-coloured tapestries, with a stopover at to see Bruce Springsteen and the original German Werther's factory.

When a whisky is described as 'nail varnish and farty figs', 'goaty' 'cream candy (co)ca(i)ne' and 'expelled air from a bouncy castle', you know it's at least interesting. Oh, and 'figgy piggy' / 'hamnanas & rumtanas' on the taste. Intriguing..

The positive was almond flour. The rest was diluted whisky, clean, empty, acid reflux and a burst balloon. The finish was minus two.

There is a whiff of recently prepared surgical tools but also a floral fruitiness with pineapple, apple (granny Smith to be precise!), cherry pie, lemon (rudely shouted at that) and bluebells feed to a halibut?!

Well, despite his unfortunate decent into chronic financial problems and alcoholism towards the end of his distinguished career, this tastes surprisingly nothing like I imagine he would have tasted.

Oh my god, holy fuck tomatoes, it does not smell of quality, smells of shit, farmyard new make, oil smell of sheep wool, a running dairy farm, worst smell ever

Coriander and over cooked cabbage mingle with a definite ‘Iron’ smell of blood – raw black pudding to be exact. Perhaps a wee bit feisty like Atomic fire balls or even ‘Hepatitis E’.

Banana foams give us a link from fruit to toffee, with coconut and tree sap watching from the sidelines. Flying saucers too (presumably the sweets?), but also a touch of bleach and Glacier Mints - a mixed bag!

You'd think any tasting review that starts with "like lava at Mount Fugu!" would be firmly put in its place for terrible cultural mismatching, but I'm pretty sure this 'error' was intended - it was hot, fiery and there was a small chance of a poisonous death, but if you trea...

There's now a herby, bitter sourness and Aquavit is the new alcohol metaphor, with toothpaste and dentist's mouthwash taking on the clinical mantle.